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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
 Posted - 07/10/2010 : 7:06:45 PM
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| if in the next two week I am still unstable, I will make an appointment and go in and see her I suppose. She is just very weird when it comes to meds..and I need her right now. |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2010 : 7:20:31 PM
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Karen I explained more in a PM to you. Since the increase to .75 I feel a LOT better..It's just little spells here and there where I feel crappy again...Like I stated in PM...I had this when I was on the klonopin as well..even before I began tapering. Its mainly depression..This may sound stupid, but when the depression hits, I get anxious about being depressed!!! I'm a mess huh? then the crying comes as I think about my life and where I'm at in it...As I said Ive been like this since day 1 on the klonopin..the klono has actually made my depression worse. I cannot tolerate any SSRI's for depression either, as I always have a bad reaction to them..So Ive kind of grown accustom to just feeling depressed alot. I guess thats why I get anxious when it comes on..I get that feeling like "here we go again".
I hope this make sense |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/10/2010 7:21:45 PM |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 07:13:29 AM
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Today I woke up feeling ok, considering. For some reason I feel REALLY motivated this morning. I have already been for my morning run. The Run always seems to Rev up my symptoms for about 20-30 mins afterwards, then when it calms down I FEEL GREAT. I am noticing very very very little derealization now. Anxiety is down to pre-taper levels almost. Which means I can feel it first thing in the morning, but it disipates as I get my day going usually. Except for the occasional panic attack, which Ive gotten used to over the years now. The depression is still here today. I am of the feeling I will deal with depression for the rest of my life. It's just become a part of me now. Everything We (dr.s and I have tried) doesn't seem to work. Maybe I should try some non-med therapies or something.
I am a part of a organization that I will not mention the name of here, that helps me deal with my opiate addiction (I am still clean from opiates)but I have not found many in that "organization" that has kicked the benzo's.
I'm getting tired of explaining to my wife, loved ones, friends what I am going through when It comes to benzo withdrawal, stabilizing, the ups and downs...they just don't understand. Which I cannot blame them. But out of love I guess, They ALWAYS are asking me whats wrong..Then they get that glazed over look when I try to explain. So now Ive gotten to the point where I just say "nothing".
When I and if I beat this monster...no let me rephrase that...WHEN I BEAT THIS MONSTER! I want so bad to help people that are trying to get off the meds. Only we know what it's like. I am never going to forget how scared and confused I was for the months before I got here..I know I'm no where near done, but I am keeping that promise to myself (to help the new person, once I'm done)
I feel so strongly about this, it's actually making me question my career. right now I do computer network security for a branch of the military, as a civilian. I think a career (If there is one) helping people when no one else understands, would be more fulfilling, and make more of a difference. IDK, I'm getting way ahead of myself I know. These are just things I've been thinking about as of late.
I have gotten a notice in the mail for Jury duty on July 22nd! what perfect timing! uuugh I just had jury duty 2 weeks ago (we have a 2 month window when we get selected, and have to serve on how ever many we get called for in those 2 months) Hopefully I will go in and not get selected, as I don't think my anxiety can handle that right now.
thanks for letting me ramble,
Hope everyone has a great Sunday!
-Shawn |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/11/2010 07:16:05 AM |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 08:30:07 AM
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I am not sure how to ask this, w/o feeling embarrassed. But here goes. Is lack of a sex drive common?. For the last couple of months , even before tapering. My sex drive has taken a serious nose dive! Which is causing some problems with me & my wife. She thinks it is her and not what I am going through. My wife is GORGEOUS to me, and I want to be with her VERY VERY BAD!!!! I love her and could not imagine my life w/o her!! It is becoming very concerning for me, thinking maybe something else might be wrong with me.
Thanks
-shawn |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/11/2010 08:31:02 AM |
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John
Moderator
845 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 1:12:37 PM
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Hi Shawn
Depersonalization and Derealizattion are common W/D symptoms. They are also a psychological disorder on their own merit.(BTW)
I have always been depressed. As far back as I can remember. So much so and so early on that it has become incorporated into my personality. I rarely feel it anymore but it is there always distorting my perception of "reality." It is most likely to express itself as anxiety and panic attacks which in turn often build into depersonalization and/or derealizaton. Here is a pretty good description of DP/DR that you might use to help you explain to others the sort of thing you are going through. If this is a problem for you.
"
Depersonalization : A frightening and/or disturbing experience of not being within one's own body or of being in immediate danger of vanishing/separating from reality – often described as the sensation of living inside a dream. Although cognitive functioning remains intact, the sufferers feel disconnected from their sense of self and often interpret it “as if I am losing my mind.”
“ My hands feel like they're made of paper, or like they belong to someone else.” “My own face in a mirror seems foreign, like I have never really seen it before this moment…” “I cannot feel my body, not truly numb, but it is as if I have disappeared into myself, beyond my own flesh and blood…”
“Sometimes I literally wonder if I am already dead and existing as a ghost…it feels like my soul is trying to leave its shell and I am fighting with all my strength to hold it inside this body. I don't know if I'm dreaming or awake; I must be going insane…to feel my self wafting away…I know it is only a matter of time…”
Derealization : A state of consciousness that creates a sense of detachment from all environments, fogginess, as if a plate of glass is in between the mind and the physical world. Any concentration requires tremendous effort, and the harder the sufferer tries to focus, the more disconnected they become. Often including feelings of déjà vu or jamais vu. Familiar places look alien, bizarre, and surreal – as if they are part of a Salvador Dali painting. In fact, the more familiar the surrounding, the more foreign it seems to be.
“In a split second, the world seems to tilt. I am suddenly a stranger in my own neighborhood.” “Reality seems to vanish, or is closing in, as if the literally edge of the world is right beyond the horizon.” “Everything looks ‘off,' like it turned into a stage set or fake replica of how it should really look…” “The world looks like I'm dreaming, or like I have unwittingly taken LSD…”
To deal with the panic attacks brought on by altered states like this is the primarily reason I began using benzos also they "numbed out" any feelings of depression quite effectively as well.
For me my "depressive condition" was based upon early childhood developmental issues and was sort of hard wired into my personality in a certain sense. Rather than some "so called" chemical imbalance.
About the sexual question. I would say that yes the benzos may very well be causing a lack of arousal or erectile function. In the past I would time my benzo consumption so it wouldn't interfere with sexual activities. Following a daily titration regiment this is more difficult but as your dose decreases you will probably notice an increase in your "libido" or erectile function.
I started my titration at 6mg klonopin and now at I down to 2.6 mgs and feel like a real "horn dog," much of the time. So don't be discouraged.
Your ever well wisher
John |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 1:29:00 PM
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Thanks john.. thats a relief!!
Everything is still in working order..it's just the desire isn't there really :(
Thank you also for those descriptions. I may print them out and show them to the wife, it explains it a lot better than I ever could!
Thank you so much
-Shawn |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 3:57:02 PM
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Thank you for the call Karen, It is pretty straight forward and clear :) If I have any questions I will be sure to call you. Thank you again...you are awesome!
And Jana, I know you are away but thank you soo much for taking the time to devise a method!
-Shawn |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2010 : 12:38:06 PM
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Well guys, sorry it's been a while. As I went back up to .75mgs after cutting too fast. (cut ad suffer method grrrr) I feel slightly better, but still constant anxiety. The derealization got a bit better as well at .75mg. but I am no where near stable. So after much thought I made an apt to actualy go see my doctor in person today and see if I can try to get back on 1mg and TRY to stabilize , as that was the dose I began this taper from this time. I was fine on 1mg for a long time until I began this god forsaken cut and suffer..
I hope, she lets me get back to 1mg and hope I DO stabilize. I am hopeful since I saw a TINY improvement going back to .75mg
Once I get stable, or as close to is as I can I will begin jana's method. Karen has already given me the run down with the how to (thank you karen! :) )
Anyways, I feel horrible about going back up..I feel like this time, although it was the cut and suffer and freak the hell out method..I fee;l likeI wasted a couple months for nothing.
I also fear, if I do stabilize on 1mg even as I titrate down I will experience the same symptoms as I did on this failed taper. Just really depressed right now about this mess...My brain at this point just feels like a bag of hammered a-holes..uugh..
Anyways, wish me luck in stabilizing (fingers crossed!)
P.S. to any of you, that DID go back up on a higher dose to stabilize how long did it take you to get stable?
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2010 : 7:42:38 PM
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Shawn,
I know we have already discussed this, but for anyone else reading........
First, you will NEVER be that sick again as you were doing the "Vietnam method." It is a horrible way to get off benzos and if anyone just reads the stories on there, people are suffering horribly, so it is obvious it doesn't work.
Jana has a tried and true method that will ensure you will, 100% get off the benzo and will not have anything like that horrible other site.
Listen, you might not stabilize all the way after doing that method, and I am sorry that you got sucked into that misguided method. Scientifically it has no basis and this does and it DOES work.
Even if you don't stabilize to feeling normal, you can still get off the junk doing it this way. I never stabilized and yet I am able to cut everyday and I am not, nor is anyone here suffering the way you read about on other sites..........hang tight and you will get well, I promise,
Love and prayers your way,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2010 : 07:02:38 AM
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Thank you Karen :) you have been my saving grace through this.
Well Dr. Approved the 1mg a day. I took 1mg yesterday. Today is the first day I woke up w/o that incredible anxiety/panic upon wakening. Still Some here, but not as bad...Derealization is going strong this morning. I will give it two weeks and see how stable I get. Then begin This method. Man, I can't wait to get my life back!! |
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John
Moderator
845 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2010 : 4:48:58 PM
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Hi Shawn
quote:
Man, I can't wait to get my life back!!
I have been on sedative drugs of one sort or another since 1974.( yes thats 36 years) Barbiturates, opiates, benzos and booze. I don't drink like I used to (these days a glass or so of dry red wine at night thats about it) and no more barbs. It is hard and a little scary to try and imagine my life without a "downer." It will be a new experience for me. One which I hope to be able to handle. I still have a couple years before I am done with the benzos so I guess in a way I will be titrating myself more and more back into life head on, like my friend Jill says, "as I kick these drugs to the curb"!!
In my mid sixties now, and God willing, I am hoping to live long enough to see the day of my "freedom."
Anyway good luck with your recovery and getting your life back Shawn.
Sincerely
John |
Edited by - John on 07/20/2010 8:00:40 PM |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 3:27:04 PM
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Thanks John. I have read a lot of your posts as I have looked back through the older posts on this site, and it looks like you have come a LOOOONG way since you began man. That's great. You and Karen, looking at your stories are a true inspiration to me. If you guys can do it, I know I can. You two had soo much to go through. I admire you both. I talked with someone I won't name unless the chime in and want to be named, that it's so hard to describe the pain tapering and benzo WD causes..emotionally, phsically, mentally..and I know my spouse just doesnt understand..At times I think she thinks I am making this up. I am begining to fear my marriage might not weather this. At times it's like she doesnt care. I know she cant see the internal pain and discomfort..and she is sick of listening to me about it...Then seeing her get upset with me, or bored with hearing me VENT about what Im going through, makes it soo much worse. So I just hide it now, which always makes it worse..like a tea kettle just building up pressure inside..I wish soo bad she would stand by me no matter what...it;s just really depressing.
EDIT- John forgot to mention, I can relate with the opiate thing. I never did H, but fell in love with opiates for years. Even while I was in the military..they left your system fast..so It was my thing I guess...and for me they always made me feel sort of normal..then I got into pain management, and was perscribed oxy for a while..which I abused the hell out of..I guess I've always been a highstrung person..because to me the downer type of drugs that usualy knock others out opiates, benzo's etc, always made me feel normal!?? I never understood it. |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/23/2010 3:38:55 PM |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 5:24:34 PM
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Shawn,
Thanks so much for keeping our talk private, but I will chime in here.
I go through the same thing with my husband as most of you here already know. He has never read one thing about benzo wd, has never asked one question about it and is sick of hearing about it. He knows it's real, and he has even talked to Jana.
We even tried counseling, but the counselor found fault with him or he would twist everything she said around so it only made us worse.
He has even told me that this has ruined HIS life and I have caused him to have to put his life on hold. There is very, very little compassion from him, if any.
Prior to this we were the best of friends, did EVERYTHING together, he was very, very, loving and kind, but this has shown me a side of him I do not like and although I forgive him, I don't know if I can get passed all that he has said and done and how he has left me for days alone to go do his guys stuff, when I have begged him to please stay home, that I was too sick to be left alone. He just never did.
All I ever wanted him to say was "Honey if you need me here, than of course I will stay",.......but no way, off he goes. He is going on a camping trip next weekend and we have had a horrible fight about it, but he, in the end, will only do what he wants to do, no matter how I feel.
How do you get by this when you heal because by then you have seen years of how ugly your spouse can be to you and how they are not there for you if you are sick. It scares the heck out of me now to think if I were dying, he would be nowhere to be seen!
I just pray for God to soften his heart, because this is NOT the person I thought he was for the last 19 years.
"In sickness and in health"???? pffffffff what a joke that is!
By the way, I would never do the same to him, not even before me going through this.
Love to all of you,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 5:53:57 PM
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Karen you mentioned the thing about him not reading anything...We didnt talk about that I dont think, But that REALLY hit a nerve with me. I have pulled up soooo much stuff online for her to read, and she NEVER EVER will...The ashton manual, the other benzo WD site, this one, personal stories...she just won't read it to understand what I'm feeling, and why I am certain ways. It makes me soo damn mad sometimes.
I mean I feel an internal RAGE sometimes when she just blows me off about it. I never tell her how mad I am..As I said before I now just keep most everything hidden. Thank god for you Karen, and this site, or I know I would explode one day. I love her more than anything in the world, I would NEVER cheat, Never! However I feel she doesnt love me on the same level. I honestly feel like she sees me as less of a man, seeing how a little pill (as she calls it) could have brought me to my knees like it did when I was trying the cut and suffer method of tapering.
I'm sorry to bring up my personal life, but It's been eating away at me sooo bad. |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 8:48:55 PM
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Shawn,
I'll tell you what, I could have written that post!
I have printed out more information than you can imagine for my family to read, mainly my husband.....the ONLY one who has cared to read and understand what has happened to me is my 17yr old son. My husband would not read anything if you paid him!
Then when he gets so angry with me for crying or being in bed sick, asking him to please stay home with me, I say " well, if you would read some of the info I gave you, you might understand" and he just says no way, I am not reading anything.
I have even had my dad think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown, or my mom has said you need to push yourself harder, like this is something I have willed onto myself. It makes me so mad I have screamed and yelled and cried til I thought I would do something drastic to get out of this mess.
Shawn, I am the same way, I love and maybe it now is loved, sadly, my husband more than life itself, I would have done anything for him,but now,I have been so emotionally crushed by his words,actions and disregard for what I need from him. I mean he is my spouse, WHO else am I supposed to lean on and count on for support when sick???
I would have always laid money on the fact that MY husband would have stood by me through thick and thin, but this has opened my eyes to how he reacts to crippling illness, illness where you can barely function and need help. To be left hanging is hurtful, demeaning and just plain mean.
I am so glad we all have each other!
Love you all,
Karen
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