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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
 Posted - 07/23/2010 : 9:06:24 PM
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| On a side note, just to note my "progress" even though I had to up the dose. I feel much more stable now (although not all the way) since going back to the 1mg dose of K. My anxiety is not that constant debilitating anxiety over nothing..like it was. Before I went back to 1mg it was like living in a constant panic attack. Now the anxiety feels pretty normal. The derealization, while still here..is fading it seems..I still feel a bit trippy, but not nearly as bad. I am taking Karen's advice, and I will begin jana's method on Monday. |
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skooter
Senior Member
362 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 10:11:14 PM
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Hey Shawn,
great to hear you're stabalizing! That's such good news to hear!
On a second note, I am real sorry for all your probs with the wife. For both you and Karen, it breaks my heart to hear those kinds of stories. I suppose that is the reason I try hard to not bring my probs up to my family and hubby. Although he does listen if I do (if you can call 30 seconds of having him listen, listen) he does get it. In fact apparently it was him that found the A manual for me when I was in heavy duty withdrawal, but I was so out of touch and in such agony I don't remember him telling me about it except that I was going to fast. Hence not "hearing" him I continued to do my own thing of dropping huge amts. each day and losing complete control of my entire being in the process. It wasn't until I myself started to go online after being completely off of all drugs for a whole 5 weeks, that I began to realize what I had done. I would tell my family the things I was reading, and they'd tell me "We TRIED TO TELL YOU". And I'd say, WHEN? Wow, I thought I was so smart, and was going to show the world how I did it myself. The toxins had me tho, and they destroyed me beyond MY recognition for sure! I still don't look like I did before I started this madness.
Anyways, about hubby. I just find it easier on him (and the marriage probably) if I just keep things to myself. I just know it is hard for him to not be able to help me with things that are beyond his capabilities, as in there's nothing anyone can do. I learned this yrs. ago I suppose as I've been suffering from being on these drugs for YEARS. Thought I had a disease whene I didn't and listened to the medical system like a good robot, and took their poisons. Who knew it was all online to be learned things are different than what we are told!! That is the ONLY good thing that has happened to me thru this all, is that I've had a rude awakening to the entire "system". (sorry for getting off topic, it's a trait of mine). Anyways, I think our spouses would be more understanding if this were an actual illness that a doc told us we had. But unfortunately there is rarely a doc out there that will admit to it, because then they would be liable. That's my theory anyways.
Hope you continue to get better so you and the wife will be able to get back to married life again, and things get back to "normal" for you! |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 11:21:58 PM
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Hi skooter ,
thanks for your very insightful post. You are correct I think the spouses would be more supportive if doctors actually validated what we are going through. So we would have something concrete to refrence when we are trying to explain it to them.
As I was just explaining to Karen, It is soo hard for me to trust another process right now (Jana's) after doing the cut and suffer. I do trust my new support group here TOTALLY,..its just trusting another process after the last one failed for me. I'm scared to death right now..I dont begin until monday.
I know it wont be as bad as my last attempt, its just scary all the same..
Im actually holding the bottle of kpins in my hand right now cussing at them like some crazy guy.
what I fear:
I fear I wont be able to get off these damn things
I fear my PTSD and anxiety issues are going to come flooding back if I do get off
I fear that constant panic attack I felt while tapering before will come back and never leave
I fear fear itself
I fear my little girl seeing her dad losing it with anxiety
I fear not ever being normal again
While some of these may sound silly to some..they are on my mind as I get closer to starting this..
My military buddies, all but one do not talk to me anymore, as I told Karen..the same ppl I fought with side by side with..ppl you trust with your life and THOUGHT you had a lifelong friendship, saw what I was going through and do not call me anymore..I think they think I actually lost it.
The one that does still call and actually visits and wants to hang out sometimes, it's one of the best friends a guy could ever have. While he doesnt understand he still accepts me for me..as does my father..
Right now, in my real life support group, those are the only two ppl that havent given up on me I think.
Yes, I am having a pitty party I know..I'm not trying to..It's just some things I've needed to get out for some time now.
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Edited by - shawn on 07/23/2010 11:30:12 PM |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 11:37:29 PM
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Shawn,
You know what, all those points are very valid and after what that other site did to you ( and me) you have every right to be very afraid.
Here is what Jana always says to ease a person's mind. Can you give it ( this method) just one or two days? Of course you can and you will see, if done right, you will not feel those cuts coming from a stable place. Then you just build on those cuts and since you do it daily, you will know what changes make you feel what!
You can complain and whine here all you want, that is why we support each other.............get those feelings out. You will feel so much better.
Love and prayers to you,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2010 : 11:57:22 PM
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| thank you Karen. The last couple nights we have spoken I have felt soo much better afterwards. It's amazing how much we have in common. Benzo Wd really levels the playing field doesnt it? like I told you, you are an amazing person, and have been in amazing friend to me..I really appreciate you |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 12:50:36 AM
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Shawn,
Yes, you are so right. Benzo withdrawal lays it all on the line. You find out the true colors of those around you, it shows you who really cared for you all along and who never really was "there" for you after all, they just were waiting for that first problem to arise and poof, they were gone.
I can't believe all my friends have given up on me, while not even trying to understand that I am going through something real, I am not just laying around because I want to...........
But, one important thing I have learned and that is to rely on those who DO understand. They become your best friends........the only ones you have, and although they can't come by your house, they are still your real friends because they are walking down the same path you are and that makes you inseperable friends, friends for life.
The people you open up to and lean on to get through this nightmare are the ones that you know for sure are your real, true friends because they will stay with you when you are at your worse, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, but they will never turn on you or get tired of you.
I pray for all of us daily, that God will just deliver us from this evil drug.....he can, and I hold onto that...........
I am so glad we have gotten to know each other so well too, it has helped me to have someone with so much in common.
much love and prayers,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 06:38:14 AM
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this is day 6 of the updose (I think), and woke up feeling ok. Morning run reved up the anxious feeling like it usually does. It will usually fade after about an hour or so for me. TMJ is flaring up I think..My jaw is ACHING...Im trying to think If I ate anything crunchy or any of the "no-no" foods yesterday, cant think of any. My TMJ is muscular related, as opposed to a disc problem in my jaw joint. the muscles in my face get tense and will pull my jaw "down" the way it was described to me. I'm not doing anything to treat it at this time..
When it flares up I get weird symptoms..its on my left side, so my left ear will HISS all day that day, along with the aching jaw..headache on that side etc...I wont bore everyone with it haha..it usually clears itself up after a day or sometimes a few days of a flare up.
Anyways, Benzo-wise I'm feeling "Ok" so far today.. |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 11:25:51 AM
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| I have to say, as the day goes on today..I feel about 99% normal..well, as close to normal as I can describe. So I DO think the updose worked, and not just the feel good for a couple days thing. I am thanking god for this. I feel more optimistic about begining this titration on monday. |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 1:39:30 PM
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Shawn,
You will do very well since you totally stabilized. I am anxious for you to start reducing because I want you to see what a miracle method this is.......'
I just know you are going to do well, and be free!!
I am just so happy you were able to go back up to 1mg, will your dr let you taper at your own speed??
Love and prayers to ya,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 1:41:33 PM
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Thanks Karen..
When I discussed it with my doc, I told her it mightt ake a year or longer, she said it is ok.. in fact she told me to take it slower if I need to , so I can still work. she is def onboard :) |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 1:44:52 PM
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Well, you've got a gem of a dr then! I am so glad for you. Most of them are do NOT understand how crucial it is to go slow and at your own pace, not the pace they decide.
I have you covered in prayer so you are good!
Love to ya,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 1:48:16 PM
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| Aww thank you!!! I've been praying for you as well. I never used to pray to be honest, until benzo WD..now I go to church, pray..etc |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 4:46:47 PM
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Yeah, there's not too many atheists in benzo withdrawal! haha.......
God becomes very real when you suffer so bad.........
Keep up your good spirit....
blessings,Karen |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 4:48:31 PM
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Yeah, there's not too many atheists in benzo withdrawal! haha.......
God becomes very real when you suffer so bad.........
Keep up your good spirit....
blessings,Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 7:05:18 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by kattklaws
Well, you've got a gem of a dr then! I am so glad for you. Most of them are do NOT understand how crucial it is to go slow and at your own pace, not the pace they decide.
I have you covered in prayer so you are good!
Love to ya,
Karen
yeah she is very nice...but waaaay to libral with the meds..almost every visit she asks me if I need any pain meds for the tumor i told you about...It's soo hard, but I just tell her nope, I'm good...
I tell her the TENS UNIT is fine with me, and told her the opiates make me sick to my stomach now. I didnt want to say Im an addict and have that on my medical records..Im soo scared of losing my clearance if somehow my records ever get seen...I know with HIPPA, its illegal, but still dont want to take that chance.
Also what If Im in an accident or something, and NEED pain meds, I dont want to ever not be able to get them if I indeed do really need them again sometime. |
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