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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
 Posted - 07/24/2010 : 8:34:30 PM
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Very goood post Karen. Ryan you can feel free to PM me with any concerns or questions that you do not feel comfy asking in the open as well..
We care about you here. I will start with the age thing. I am 35 going on 88 (or so it feels like) lol |
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RNB007
New Member
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 10:54:20 PM
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Hey y'all,
I had a good dinner. Feel yuck coming down from the Vics. To answer your questions so you know more about me (feel free to ask away I am an open book). I am 33 years old. I started using opiates around 2001 and dabbled with benzos but just here and there not until the last 3 1/2-4 years or so did I start taking them for my anxiety on a daily basis. I have always had horrible anxiety thinking people were looking at me, talking about me. Which I think stems from being overweight in school and being teased a lot. Of course I think it may run in my family also. My grandfather was an alcoholic and pretty much his whole life he worked and then come home and sat on the couch and drank never going anywhere and avoiding people. My mom has her issues with pain meds and drinking on occasion. She is a home body too. I dropped out of high school in 10th grade and then got my GED when I was 18. Went to community college for a short time but could not take the stress. I was on Zoloft for a few weeks but could not sleep, then Paxil for a few years which did nothing for my anxiety then was switched to Prozac for a year or so and put on Klonopin for my panic attacks but did not stay on it long enough to be in the situation I am now. When I started methadone is when I started the Valium. Methadone I thought was a blessing at first but I did not realize how numbed out I was until my first detox from it and reality hit me like a train. I was still taking Valium but after 30 days I went back on the methadone. This being my second detox from it I will never touch it again. There is no opiate w/d like methadone all the horror storys are true. Of course little did I know benzo w/d wins the prize as worst w/d EVER! I have always had problems with times of severe depression plus the anxiety but I want to be off the benzo and learn to deal with my issues. One thing I have learned is a pill is just masking the problems not fixing or curing them in any way. Now that I am a little older and know that I have to start taking my health serious if I want to live with HIV I have to rid myself of the crutches I have used to function. My mom does know I am positive my whole family does except my step-grandfather. My mom was great help during my methadone detox, made sure I had plenty of juices and fruit and did all the things I couldn't anymore while I was in bed. But god bless her she trys as hard as she can but in her own way I think she just breaks down and wants to throw pills at me be it for sympathy, guilt or not wanting me to be in pain, depressed I don't know. I should have turned down the Vics today sucked it up and dealt with my toe. I can only blame myself for that. So that is a little more about me. I just want off Valium more than I have ever wanted anything. The ordering every month. Running out early having to ask my grandma for enough to get by or one of my close friends, it adds more stress and anxiety to the whole situation. I just want to see who I am and what I feel like off it all. It may be a scary thing but I don't want to be under the control of it or any mind altering drugs period. I am sticking to the 5mg every 6 hours, even if I wake up feeling like hell I am sticking to this and get ready to taper. I know there will be bad days ahead and I am going to have anxiety and panic attacks but I am just trying to tell myself its not going to kill me. If I fall over dead well it was my time. You all have been so kind and kept me sane when I thought I was losing it. I thank you all so much I just can not tell y'all enough. I am going to watch some TV and lay in bed. I will w/b tomorrow. Thank you for the offer to PM you Shawn I will prob take you up on that. I thank you all so much. Out of all the forums I could have found I feel so lucky. Much love and thanks, Ryan |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 11:24:28 PM
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Ryan,
Know you are loved here and we will all work together to get you well.
I am sorry for all you have been through but you recognize it now and that is the first step in getting off this junk.
It is okay you caved today, but just allow yourself a one time slip up. Opiates will devastate your benzo wd, ok?
I learned this in detox, people who abuse opiates, like you said your mom has issues....well, they offer people that are clean or trying to get clean more of the drug because they don't want to be using while their loved one is getting their life together. It is a way of covering their own guilt.
Now, I am not saying anything bad about your Mom, please, just a perspective I learned in detox and thought it might help you,next time say "no, I am clean:" be proud and say it out loud!
You can get all this cleared up, focus on living with HIV and still be healthy, but if you stay on the drugs the HIV will get the best of you and we love you and want you here, so let's all work together and get you well.
I am so, so proud of you for all you have told us, admitted and come clean about, it is the biggest step, Ryan!
Let us know how you are tomorrow......keep with us, ok???
much love and prayers to you,
Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2010 : 11:34:23 PM
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Hi Ryan, thanks for posting again. You are brutally honest and I love that. That is going to serve you well through this whole process.
Ryan I have one concern. I really think you need to reinstate higher than 20mg's ...I think you said you are taking 5mg per 6 hours..so 20mg's a day. Once the half life winds down after your spiking the last several days...I think WD is gonna start kicking your butt man..
I dont want to see that happen friend!...What do you think about reinstating to your original dose and then titrating down...we will come up with a plan for you, and help you every step of the way. You will NEVER be alone during this.
See with Benzo's if you taper off too fast, you can have whats called "protracted wd's" which can last for many many many months and sometimes years...
If you do a long SLOOOW taper, you can avoid that. let me know what you think brother..I can also give you my phone number Ryan which you can use ANYTIME you need to.. |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/24/2010 11:35:30 PM |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 01:04:57 AM
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Ryan,
I too would suggest you reinstate to at least 30, so if that helps and then if not go back up to your 40, you only have a certain window in which reinstatement works and we don't want you to miss it.
If you get stable, your benzo reduction will be so much easier!
Again, I am so proud of how honest you were, coming clean about what your issues are, are the only real way to get proper help, You have taken a huge step!
Love ya,
Karen
Oh yeah, since we are all gettin honest here, I am 46 |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 09:06:16 AM
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Ryan,
Thanks for sharing all of that. It does indeed help getting to know eachother while we are tapering and it helps incase any issues come up during the taper. May I ask a personal question? you do not have to answer if you do not want to. Why were you on the meth? was it methadone maintence for heroin? There is no judging here...I am just curious.
In any event..the reason we suggested going back up higher than 20 mg's a day is, as I said as the halflife of the V winds down your WD may become pretty intense, and it lasts a lot longer than meth WD's and can make for a very very hard taper. But as karen said you only have a short window to reisntate back to a previous dose and have it actually work. usualy this is a couple of weeks. Sometimes people can wait longer..it all varies on your individual make up.
But ya see, the more stable we can get you before you strt to taper..the smoother your taper will be..and the more you will be able to function while you are tapering.
I know it sucks, having to go back up in dose, I had to do it as well..As I need a smooth taper, I have to work and feed my family through this.
You sound like a very educated and smart guy! I would never have guessed you dropped out of HS!! to me you sound like a college educated guy. you really do.
Im asking you PLEASE reconsider going up a bit more on your daily dose..
Just as a FYI the half life for valium is well over 100 hours, so chances are you still are not feeling the full effects of being at the 20mg dose after yo-yo-ing the dose.
Again, Ryan I want to encourage you and help you any way I can during this titration..Its going to be a loong sloow process, but with benzo's that's the only way to do it to avoid being sick for months and possibly years post benzo.
With the Method we use here, it is a smooth ride all the way down. Sure there may be some bumps here and there, but with benzo's nothing is sure..but one thing is, this is the best method Ive come across, and Ive tried several of them in my attemtps to get off this drug.
You are going to make it man!!
As I said above I am 35
P.S. 46? thats not bad Karen. What model of dinosaur do ya drive? LOL j/k (Hides from Karen) |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/25/2010 09:25:29 AM |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 09:35:02 AM
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...With this method you are going to need enough for about a year or so ..maybe more. This is NOT something that is gonna take a month or two or three..with benzo's you have to come of really really really slowly..I know it sucks..believe me I know, and it was a shock to me when I learned how long it would take. But taking it slow pays off BIG TIME!! as you dont want to be sick for months and years afterwards, which happens to soo many people when they taper too fast.
To give you an example, I am on 1mg of klonopin which is equal to 20mg of valium. I'm looking at about a year or so maybe a little less, maybe a little longer..Im trying not to put a time frame on it..It's all about listening to your body. Your body will let you know how fast you can go. With valium you have to be careful though because of the halflife being sooo long..which is a GOOD THING..but sometimes it takes cuts a while to catch up with you.
But with this method it doesnt really matter. We discuss the method privatley in PM's ..karen can explain why that is..
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Edited by - shawn on 07/26/2010 12:31:17 AM |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 1:03:02 PM
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Ryan,
Shawn is 100% spot on with the length of time it will take you to get off Valium. You are going to need a regular supply, can you not get a dr to help you?
I am really worried about you...........hope you post today and let us know how you are......
I will try and keep up, but being so old ( smacking Shawn in the head!) I may have to go to the rest home today
Love to you Ryan........
Karen |
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RNB007
New Member
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 7:08:03 PM
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Hey,
Just wanted to do a quick check in. Not having a good day at all. Just in bed. Wanted you to know I am thinking of you all and can feel your good vibes coming my way. I will w/b more when I can. No Vics today. MUCH LOVE and MANY thanks, Ryan
P.S. Hope you are doing well. Sending good vibes to y'all too. Talk soon.
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 10:58:11 PM
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Ryan,
SOOO, glad you checked in, I was worried about you all day.
i am sorry it is a bad day, is it withdrawal? You may have also messed up things by taking opiates yesterday and thrown yourself off......but what is done is done.
Keep checking in hon........
Love to you and thanks for the good wishes,
Love, Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2010 : 11:32:37 PM
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| Hey Ryan..Sorry you are feeling soo poorly. IF it is a lil WD from the Vics, its should be over pretty fast. How is your benzo dosage? are you sticking to a set dose now? Sending more good vibes your way! |
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| Information in this forum is not monitored or provided by a medical professional. The information reflects member opinions only. Do not act on advice from these forums without first consulting a qualified medical professional. All content is copyrighted and protected by Aelius Group. |
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RNB007
New Member
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2010 : 5:42:12 PM
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Hey,
Made an appt to get my Tcell and viral load checked. The free county clinic is so overwhelmed it will be almost 2 weeks before I can see a Dr. They will take my blood send it to Tampa General Hospital then 2 more weeks to get my results. I am feeling better today some slept from 5am till noon.
Karen about seeing a Dr for a script - since no insurance it will cost more to go to a Dr. and get a prescription if they will even give me one for Vals or any benzos. They all want you on a SSRI or to see a shrink. I pay $53.50 for 90 10mg Valium in blister packs from overseas. I have ordered from the same place for almost 4 years. I am trying to get temporary county insurance for indigent ppl. paper work galore and wait wait wait. I have referrals for a psychiatrist and a few other things I need done, just have to have insurance. At the "Specialty Care" county clinic just for HIV/AIDS but they will not prescribe anything controlled period. The Ryan White and ADAP funding only covers my labs, antiretroviral meds. Atripla is the med I hope to start. I am still holding on at 20mgs a day trying to do the 5mg every 6 hours. Hanging in there barely. Scared to go up any. Today has been ok so far just been lying around watching movies talking with mom keeping my mind busy.
Have to go for now just wanted to check in with a little update. :)
How is everyone else doing??? I hope great! Will w/b later.
MUCH LOVE AND GOOD VIBES!!!
Ryan
P.S. I do think the Vics did put me in a little funk yesterday. But like you said one mess up and no more. I am not going down that road again! I did not feel good on them and even worse the next day. TTYL XOXO |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2010 : 5:56:07 PM
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rYAN CHECK YOUR pm'S i SENT YOU ONE TODAY. It is very important you read it. I will likely be the one helping you through this. So we need to be sure to get on the same page bro..thanks
-Shawn |
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Edited by - shawn on 07/26/2010 5:59:44 PM |
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kattklaws
Administrator
370 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2010 : 5:58:40 PM
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Ryan, sorry you have to wait so long to see a dr and then for labs but at least you are getting them done.
Do not be afraid to go up, in the end going up in dose will make you coming off the drug easier if you are stable when you start.........
There is a new fun place to hang out...........check the post about it.......called Fund Place etc on top
Love ya,Karen |
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shawn
Moderator
90 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2010 : 6:31:03 PM
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dangit i missed you again...man you are outta here fast after you post! hahaha
The pm's are up at the top...you will see you private message indicator..with a red number beside it..just click there to go read your messages.
You see pretty chilled out for having dropped 50% of your dose, I guess that is a good thing. Im sorry the TWO vics gave you WD. When I was comming off of OXY , vics were like asprin to me..Im very suprised they messed with you considering you are comming off of meth...weirder things have happened tho...keep hanging in there...we need to really chat one day tho..so we can all get on the same page, and figure out when we are gonna do this.
keep hanging in there bro |
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